Why a challenge?....empty resolve

Challenge. We all want a challenge....well not everyone. But for those of us that do, we want a challenge, a challenge that will give purpose to our actions, a challenge that will give subsidence and foundation to what we are doing. Because if we somehow are so far above in intellect, power, and money we are accomplished, something. However, I cannot find any peace in pursuing such. No matter how great of a challenge something is, it dies somewhere. What are we really doing anyway? Playing this big game, ignoring the pains that groan in agony on the other side of the world. I know, some have called me pessimistic, but I cannot help but feel the agony of humanity rising from the tides from the east, and the west, threatening to drown our surreal bubble of local reality. Life is fickle, but yet something serious, something sovereign, and sacred threads itself in the deep. I am haunted by this cruel idea that everything is a joke.

Then I am reminded by what is real. Tears, broken people tossed into the world where life forces them to dissolve facades and barriers. That is what I live for, the truth, reality. Most of the fluff of life serves as a background for the reality, the core thread of life to flow through. I am absolutely convinced that something is terribly wrong in the midst of this fake American lifestyle. My person craves a reality that is bigger than something any human can create. I crave that which is impossible, something beyond my perception, beyond my abilities, beyond my beliefs. I don't truly know if there can be put an exact boxed in description of this, but that is why we are human. We have limits. We are not invincible. We cannot do everything and anything we want. We are caged in multiple types of prisons. Social prisons, political associations, laborious work, America, judgments, false accusations, fragile existences....etc. Nothing is certain. Welcome to the fragility of life. We are and we are not. Almost a ghost of existence. Whooosh.

Douchebagery

Ok, so I had an excellant ride into work today, right - a quick sprint of sub - 30 minutes (close to my pr). The crisper air with a bit of sunshine sprinkling the day offers perfect conditions for a such. Unfortunately I was hindered by a pair of pretentious douchebags. Guys...right never truly expect much out of a girl. Hmm... Anyway, I let two guys - smothered in their biking gear-proceed ahead of me at a light. It was only fair since they had arrived first. Well, I was almost instantly right on their tail, and they proceeded to block my going past them for a while. Finally, after a few grunts, and a frustrated "come on", they let me by. Ah, I just want to punch someone, this action being justified by my subconcious struggles. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Hurt

Sometimes I am overwhelmed by this hurt deep inside.
It slowly finds its way to my throat where it deadens my voice to silence.
Pained I sink into a mire of swirling sympathy entwined with death.
Our earth is gone. Our earth is gone. Our earth is gone.

Walking along the beauteous beach...TIRE!
Our landscapes have been corrupted by ridiculous shit.
Our lifestyle is that to consume conSUME CONSUME

What the fuck is anyone to do.
I love.
I love people. I love the world.
But then
it hurts.
It hurts to really love.
To really care.

So I am gone in a myriad of dreams.
I feel the present, past, and future in one breath.
I feel vices, freedom, and compromise flowing.
All flowing together in one dream.
This dream is of life.
Life hurts
but only because I love
but only because I care.

So sometimes
I don't want to care
I just want to sit in the mire
Sing melodies of dishonor and despair.

So away we go to life.
I really want to fly away.
My body rising on air
Floating away from all this
This is
Yes
It is

So I go
I go
I
stop
I sit
I sit stopped
Struck by thought
Struck by theory
Struck by philosophy
Struck by life

So I stop sitting
So I sit
So I go
So I go and run
I run
I run
I run

I fly

Life's Break - random notes

Funny how sometimes we need a break from life. We choose our life and ironically create its hectic or not so hectic pace. However, after taking a break from intense chemistry, I miss it. Nice, so I do know that I truly enjoy science and anlalytical work. However, a monumental change has occurred as far as the career in science goes. A career doesn't truly acknowledge all that life has to offer. For me, life is more than chemistry (career). Although chemistry is life! ha, ha. Life is people. Life consists of moments here and there, moments that actually cannot be put into words. Life breathes life. Life acknowledges humanity in its truest sense. Life evolves to new horizons and adapts to new challenges. Life can be a simple, complex, or crazy. That's it life truly can't be described...we just live it. There is no such thing as an american dream or any dream for that matter that will be your true life. Life is here and now...so we live it. : )

New Light Cascades deep into the World of Neuroscience

The brain....misunderstood, yet we struggle to understand. A typical mode of studying the brain has involved looking at brain waves that occur once a stimuli is introduced to a subject. Various psychology and neuroscience studies have used this approach of neuroimaging, however, being an imprecise study, direct and specific conclusions about brain function cannot be drawn. Scientists guess as to what this data may specifically mean or not mean based on what area of the brain these waves are occurring.

Further specific studies have come along, where fluorescent dyes are used to visualize a given pathway. For instance, some dyes react to specific atoms or ions, so the action of voltage gated calcium channels can be visualized. When calcium is released into the cell this leads to the release of a neurotransmitter. This can be visualized by the activated dye due to the influx of calcium into the cell. These approaches provide information, but the clear signal transduction still remains a mystery. One cannot see the actual signal flowing through the neuron, rather one doesn't necessarily know exactly which cells are communicating since the dye stains all cells regardless of what type they are...dopaminergic or otherwise.

Therefore, optogenetics breaks through this barrier as it serves a specific purpose. What about using genetics? Certain genes are turned on or off in a cell due to its specific cell type. A dopaminergic neuron has all the genes pertaining to the production of dopamine turned on. So, if one links this dopaminergic gene to a gene that encodes a dye, the dye will only be present in cells where this dopaminergic gene is turned on. Furthermore, this process allows for observation of a living organism in a natural environment where there are no forced stimuli (in contrast to earlier studies). A great idea, but what if we could go further?

What if we could control when these dyes, or indicators if you will, were turned on? Gero Miesenbock along with his postdoc fellow Boris Zemelman tackled this problem. Termed "actuators" these gene mechanisms consist of a light-activiated protein rhodopsin which reacts to light. So now, not only is the dye-encoding gene linked to the dopaminergic gene, the rhodopsin gene is linked as well. And when light is introduced, the rhodopsin activates the nerve through an electrical signal (which in a dopaminergic neuron leads to the release of dopamine). This is then visualized by the indicators which are engineered to only be present in the dopaminergic cells. Therefore, one can activate only the dopaminergic neurons by light, and visualize the result. CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Writing...&...Confidence....&....Humanity

Writing functions in order to communicate one's thoughts in a different medium, pen and ink. Right. (I know, I like to state the obvious.) Communication. When using pen and ink the most effective communication requires active and direct language. In fact, the language chosen illustrates the writer's confidence or lack there. Writers should be daring, challenging, and creative. Supporting arguments that act as mere flimsy probabilities never suffice in the court of law nor will they be taken seriously by a general audience. Passivity destroys one's ideas by keeping them developing into serious consideration. Action never surfaces from the abyss of secure solitude of apathy. There is another side however. Are all seemingly passive people really that passive, or are they hiding? Digging deeper one finds the phsycological glitch holding the writer back. Confidence, utter unabashed confidence. Confidence in who you are and a genuine acceptance of yourself. As a mentor and coach once said, To always think of who you want to be, is to waste who you are. Confidence. We are beautiful people of different origins with different ideas, theories, faults, talents, and dreams. We all bring something unique to the table. We all can communicate great ideas with the proper language and foundation.

Humanity,...I think it's beautiful and worth striving for. Our identity lies here. Who are we trying to impress anyway? We all are human, and that is a common ground that can never be broken. All the identities we manufacture through commercialism, or culture ultimately break down. Go hang out at a cemetary for a bit. Hmmm. I'm done.

America's Idea of Service

So, America supposedly thrives on this whole deal where its citizens pay one another to fulfill different duties, and services. Instead of trying to do everything oneself, this method of community and sharing expertises in exchange for money runs an efficient market. Or does it? Recently I have been repeatedly faced with the inadequacy of another service. I accomplish my duties to a high degree, an act that pays off for others in the long run. However, when I find I need someone else to do the same, they fall short. In fact, I find that I am likely to be more efficient at doing the service I need done, if only I had the tools. Utter frustration seeps into my daily life at the shortcomings of others. I understand that some are more gifted than others, but then what is the point. Shouldn't a jack of all trades accomplish his or her services to the best of their abilities because of everyone else's inadequate skills? Or should we put up with sub par service? In particular, I am referring to the medical field. We are in need of medical reform...most definately. However, I am not going to support a bill by Obama just because I get an e-mail from his advisors telling me to do so. We should take a look at that bill closely... Oh right, we aren't supposed to do that because thats congress' job right? How do we know that they are fulfilling their obligations to the best they can? What is sub par for a representative? Since abilities are relative a lot of people squeak by, but it seems that an apathetic generation of lazy Americans are trying to just squeak by. Damn.

Exaustion.

Do you ever get so tired...

so tired...

emotionally,

physically,

intellectually,

... so tired...

that...all you want to do is drop off the face of the earth....

...into a graviational dream, dragging you into the deepest sleep...so deep you feel you're in lowest point of the Mariana Trench?

Dreams are beautiful because nothing there is real but offers escape from reality. Escape.

I think I need a vacation. Really. A week in Hawaii would be amazing...maybe I should just move again....ahh but moving is exhausting. Breathe...enjoy the moment. What moment...I think the majority of life is a chain of unfortunate events that happen to allow you to survive for a bit. Thats not right...life is better than that...right? I am just tired...and it is affecting me in every way...degrading my ability to dream...do I dare hold on?

The Subconcious Domination

Sometimes we fail to decide, act, in essence do. We toil through decisions as if they threaten to kill us. Then after making a minute decision we over analyze how this decision affects the larger outcome of life negatively. We worry that this small decision somehow brings us down, degrades us if you will. However, life does not involve over analysis. Over analysis is the need for perfection, and lets face it we are not perfect.

Humanity thrives by making mistakes. That is how we learn. Or is it? Ironic how the same type of mistakes continue to be made over the vast span of time. People continue to rage over meaningless bull shit. Children continue to abuse privileges gained by parents, while parents continue to doubt their children and their crazy ideas. Wars are still made over power, control, and money....well maybe we should just say oil. Religious riots forever plague our planet.

Therefore, even though we learn best by making mistakes, these mistakes must be made by every generation. If we ever sit down and talk to an older individual about their life during the younger years, if they are honest, they will tell us that they made the same mistakes we do. We all learn the hard way at some point or another. Some learn this way more than others. In talking with my father, we both made the same mistakes, reacted in the same manner, and were hot-headed and stubborn in similar situations. Its almost as if we were the same person, just a different point in time. No I am not a delayed clone of my father, but I do have some of his genes. Humanity is related. We make mistakes and find out reality and life through this manner.

Finally, this lack of perfection tho very real leads us to try and deny our faulty nature. We believe that by somehow delaying certain decisions, we are escaping failure. However, not only are we escaping failure, we are escaping trying. To not try, to delay a decision and over analyze is to cripple learning. The last baby bird to jump from the nest learns to fly at a quality less than his peers (however if his athletic skills are superior this may not be true- ha, ha). Regardless, if we all must make mistakes to learn, those that have made the most mistakes have learned the most.

Mistakes necessitate action. Action necessitates decision. Decision necessitates quick thought. Pain and falling down are real. Reality. :)

Clouds speak

I love clouds
Enraptured, I am
by their presence
They move in elegance
Gracing the skies
Once visible, then
Suddenly gone
They tell of mystery
Dreams unheard
Ideas never conceived
These are the clouds
Their beauty taking me
Captivating my eyes
I am prisoner to
to the beautiful skies.

Poetry from ...yes Bolano

Sangriento Dia de Lluvia

Ah sangriento dia de lluvia,
que hace en el alma de los desamparados
sangriento dia de voluntad apenas entrevista:
detras de la cortina de juncos, en el barrizal,
con los dedos de los pies agarrotados en el dolor
como un animal pequeno y tembloroso
pero tu no eres pequenoy tus temblores son de placer,
dia revestido con las potencias de la voluntad
aterido y fijo en un barrizal que acaso no sea
de este mundo, descalzo en medio del sueno que se mueve
desde nuestros corazones hasta nuestras necesidades
desde la ira hasta el deseo: cortina de juncos
que se abre y nos ensucia y nos abraza.

Irony

Life...is funny. You go to college, do what you are supposed to do...and find you yourself far from where you want to be. Yes, hmmm. After moving west I have nipped my ridiculous schemes of becoming a hippie in the bud. I have encountered many types of people, many different lifestyles, and many different types of freethinking. Being very open minded, skeptical of where I came from, I have truly considered alternative viewpoints. And yet, here in the west where progressive mentality thrives I find that people still cage themselves in ways of defining their existence. Similar modes of fear that kept people from really living in the midwest still ruin people here. I like the uniqueness of Portland...lots of different people. However, even within supposed non-mainstream people there are mainstream concepts exhibited. For instance, hipsters consider themselves unique and untouched. However, they have a style that everyone in their group conforms to. I understand they are very strict as well. Furthermore, this conformity further exhibits itself in the insecurity that hipsters have in just being his or herself. Identiy. People identify themselve with their group, their job, their ability, or etc. The point is even if you are good at something, that in itself is not you. Jobs leave, abilities cease, but you do not. This is why I hated most the runners at my school. They conformed to a small group where their identity subsisted on something transient and passing. Stupid, very stupid. However, I tried to placemy identity in academics. Hypocrite i know. This is not what I wanted either. This isnot to say that one isnt a runner, academic...etc....but those will not save you in the end from who you really are.

Regardless, the acceptance of a diverse group of people living in one area has allowed me to accept myself. Instead of going after what I am supposed to do, I am going after what I want in life. This freedom is refreshing. I miss myself. I am going to start trying in life again. My grief over the realities of life that was bottled up in the past is subsiding in resolve and life is looking right again. I want to laugh wholeheartedly on the top of a distant mountain, in the sunlight of the day....looking forward for joy my back on the past. Life is good...everything the lows and highs. You learn the most at the lows. If I feel theneed to cry, I will. If I feel the need to shout, I will. If I feel the need to bask in silence I will. Peace.

another blog...hmmm good thing

ironically communication is necessary in this endeavor of what makes us human
to be human means to express ideas
furthermore to express ideas which are human
through communication we rediscover our mountains and valleys of the experience we call life, we let out the high tides and lows of that emotional sea...yes to be human is to be
to be...to acknowledge and communicate that which makes us human
yes to be okay with your existence, your whole person - the stuff you would rather not talk about

blogs allow for this communication...no matter how trivial one comment may be the author is free to sustain his own publication...his own view, with grammar present or not
beautiful